


The Space In Between

by Vorcha_Girl



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-20 03:02:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1494196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorcha_Girl/pseuds/Vorcha_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He'd always made her feel off-kilter but the look in his eyes in the elevator had done more than that; it had brought all of her careful defenses crashing down. Everything she'd so carefully built up inside of herself to protect against him had melted away with one look, one word, one almost-touch ...  (Cover Art by Stuppid-Bunny)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Expecting Something More

**Author's Note:**

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_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or any of the characters, worlds or dialogue from it._

**Author Note:** This is my first ME fic and I hope, if you have stumbled across it, that you enjoy it! It's only going to be a short drabble of a fic but it has an M-Rating for a reason: violence and smut.

I used the dialogue from the game for this first chapter, but only to set the scene because it's a good starting point as I explore Kaidan and Shepard's relationship. I have not used any more dialogue from the game for the other chapters and FYI this fic is going to deviate from canon a little bit.

I'm from Australia and use Australian spelling and grammar - I don't have a BETA reader and while I do reread my own writing to edit it, I will make mistakes and typos. I always do! :)

_* Previously this story was called 'Somewhere In Between' but I renamed it because there is already a Shepard/Kaidan fanfic with that exact same title. Sorry for any confusion._

* * *

**The Space In Between**

* * *

Kaidan paced back and forth across the confined space of the elevator, his hands compulsively opening and closing into fists as he struggled to work off some of the nervous tension emanating from within him as he waited for Shepard. A blue aura, dancing like wildfire, sparked around him as his biotic power flared to life despite his attempts to calm his boiling emotions, and with a deep breath he forced himself to stop and lean against the elevator's railing. He slowly took in measured even breaths and let his forehead rest against cool glass of the window as he forced himself to calm down. Slowly the shimmering blue aura faded away and Kaidan opened his whiskey coloured eyes and stared at his faint reflection in the glass.

He'd come so close to pulling the trigger and shooting Shepard. So close. Too close. Did she know? Had she come just as close to shooting him? He could barely believe that they'd been staring down the barrels of their guns at each other…and yet they had. How had it come to this? How had they gone from friends and lovers to _this_? What _were_ they to each other now? Anything? Something? Shepard had said they were 'all good' in the hospital and she'd said they could put Horizon behind them and move on, but then he'd gone and pulled a gun on her and now it felt as though they were even more distant than they had been.

The nervous tension flared again and Kaidan turned around until he was facing the doors and straightened to his full height, crossing his arms as he waited for her. His mind continued to mill uselessly over the 'what ifs'. What if he hadn't lowered his gun? What if Shepard hadn't lowered her gun? What if she hadn't cooled the situation down? Would he have shot her? Could he have?

_No._

He was certain about that; he couldn't have shot her. Shepard was the only woman he'd ever loved and shooting her wasn't something he could ever bring himself to do. Stalling her and trying to talk her down at gunpoint was one thing, but pulling the trigger? _Never_. Unfortunately, he wasn't so sure about Shepard; she'd looked focused and in control. She hadn't looked like she would let anything stand in her way, even him. In some ways he respected her for that, but it was also heart breaking to have seen that in her eyes and he had no one to blame but himself.

 _He_ had pushed her away on Horizon and said those terrible things. _He_ had questioned her loyalties on Mars. _He_ had pointed the gun at her when she'd come out of the elevator less than an hour ago on the Citadel. For someone who wanted nothing more than to be close to Shepard, he'd done a hell of a job of pushing her away.

Without warning the elevator door opened and the woman in question appeared; Zillia Shepard. She was still in her armour and Kaidan couldn't help but notice it was badly pock marked with bullet dents and char marks. He hadn't seen it in their confrontation on the top of the Citadel, but she looked like she'd been through hell. Her vivid red hair, cut in her usual feathered pixie cut, was ruffled as though she'd been running her hand though it and her molten yellow eyes were weary and tired looking as they swept over him.

For a moment Shepard hesitated in the doorway and Kaidan wondered if she was considering turning around and walking away; he wouldn't have blamed her if she had. She looked surprised to see him and wasn't quite quick enough to hide the flash of emotion that streaked through her eyes at the sight of him. What emotion it was, he wasn't sure, but an instant later the look was gone and she crossed the threshold and faced him while the elevator door quietly whooshed shut behind her, enclosing them both in a space that suddenly felt far too small

_It was like being trapped in a cage with a lioness..._

"Kaidan, hey." She sounded slightly surprised as she greeted him with an easy smile and leaned against the side of the elevator. It was as though nothing big had just happened; as though in Shepard's world all was normal and fine and they hadn't had guns drawn on each other less than an hour ago. "I wondered where you went. What's up?"

Kaidan bit back his rehearsed apology and mentally scrambled for some kind of explanation for his presence in the elevator to the Normandy. He must look so stupid to her! What, with his hot-cold behaviour, lurking in the elevator and waiting around for her. It was pathetic. _He_ was pathetic. He was like an idiot schoolboy with a crush. He'd felt the same way in the hospital when he'd lamely asked if the rumours were true about her and Garrus; as if he had had any right to know!

"I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened." He said lamely, determinedly shutting down his current line of thought, but as he spoke the words he heard the anger at himself and his stupid desperate behaviour leak into his voice and he realised Shepard would think he was angry at her.

Shepard blinked at his tone and uncrossed her arms, instantly alert that something wasn't right. "You sound angry."

Her luminous yellow eyes, like those of a cat, bore into him and Kaidan wanted to cram the stupid words back into his idiotic mouth. He felt naked before her gaze; it was like she could see into his soul. He felt certain she knew his words were meaningless and empty but he kept speaking anyway, desperate to get this talk over and done with. He _had_ to talk to her about what had happened; he had to know if she would have fired on him.

"I've never stood gun to gun like that with someone who once had my back." He tried to sound casual, like it was no big deal to him, but he was sure that Shepard could see right through him. "How it all went down, it's got me…I don't know." He shrugged and turned around to face out the elevator window, running his eyes over the destruction that Cerberus had caused in their brief and ill-fated coup attempt.

"Okay, talk to me. Let's have it." Shepard didn't sound condescending; she sounded concerned, as though she did still care about him.

_Did she?_

Kaidan swallowed back some of the hope that was trying to rise within him and slowly turned around to face her, "If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out."

Shepard's eyebrows rose slightly and she ran a tired hand through her hair, ruffling it further. The gesture was so achingly familiar that it took everything in Kaidan not to reach out and straighten her hair again for her, as he would have done once. Playfully. Lovingly. Instead he crossed his arms across his chest, keeping his renegade hands close to him and away from her.

Zillia shook her head ever so slightly as she answered, "I trusted you and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters." She stepped up next to him to look out the window and he followed her gaze. A C-SEC vehicle was smouldering slowly not far below them and two people in security uniforms were helping a third injured person to safety. "The main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."

"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard." Kaidan faced her and willed her to look at him. "Later when you have to live with yourself, knowing that you acted with integrity – then it matters." He poured all of his passion into his voice, everything he couldn't bring himself to say to her about his fears about them pulling guns on each other and the damage they had wrecked on what was left of their relationship.

_Their relationship? What a joke! He'd seen to that with his bitter words on Horizon…_

"You're talking about Udina?" Shepard didn't immediately meet his gaze, but she did face him. "He gave me no choice so I took the shot. Any soldier would have done the same – including _you_."

There was something in her voice as she said the last word; possibly frustration, possibly defensiveness. Did she think he was questioning her motives? That he was blaming her for what happened? He hoped not. He hoped she could see he was worried more about _them_ then he was about who had shot Udina and why.

He had to change the topic and fast. He didn't want Shepard thinking he was going to blame her for anything. "Okay. Look Shepard, there's another reason I'm here."

His gaze crashed against hers as she jerked her head up and met his eyes. That look was in her eyes again…hope? Fear? Need? He couldn't quite tell what it was, but the atmosphere in the elevator suddenly felt thicker, hotter and more electric. "Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

There he'd said it. It was as close to, ' _Take me with you_!' as he could utter and still retain a shred of dignity. He forced himself to meet her eyes as Zillia watched him for a heartbeat or maybe for two, or maybe for an eternity. Time seemed to have fallen by the wayside as he waited for her to respond to him.

Her voice, when she spoke, was quiet and firm, "I couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you."

It was the small familiar smile she flashed him that sent shivers down his spine and made his legs feel weak. That same small smile that he'd seen on her face a million times before and had desperately wanted to see again. It was as though the elevator lightened around them, as though some of the dark clouds and smoke had vanished just because of her smile.

"Thank you, Commander." He knew his voice was furring with passion as he spoke, but he didn't care! He'd never been good at hiding his emotions and after his little display of jealousy at the hospital, well, Shepard had to know he was still crazy about her.

Shepard hit the button on the wall and the elevator swiftly began to move towards the Normandy. Kaidan closed his eyes for a second and thanked whatever god had been looking out for him that he hadn't made an ass out of himself this time. There was still something between them; he knew it and he was sure as hell that she could feel it too. There was only one thing left to say…

"Shepard," She looked up at him again when he said her name, "I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."

"Good to know." The elevator slid to a halt and the door opened to the familiar sight of the Normandy. "Welcome aboard, Major."

"Aye aye, Ma'am."

* * *

**A/N - Feedback and reviews are most welcome!**


	2. Hide Away

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or any of the yummy characters. I just write about them! (And dream, but that's a different story!)

**Author Note: Thank you to those people who have messaged me, reviewed and followed. It's nice to know that you're enjoying my story! I'm certainly enjoying writing it - hey, another chapter in less than a day isn't bad in my books! Motivation and an over-active muse is a wonderful thing!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Shepard left Kaidan speaking to Traynor near the CIC and made her getaway as quickly as she could without looking like she was bolting from the room, murmuring an excuse about going to her cabin to check some private messages. She didn't like to think she was running away, and _getaway_ was the only other word she could think of for her desperation to put some distance between herself and Kaidan. It was like a pulse in her head: _Run. Run. Run_. Maybe it was her sense of self-preservation driving her to get away from him, but some deeper part of her knew it was more than that; she was scared.

He'd always made her feel off-kilter but the look in his eyes in the elevator had done more than that; it had brought all of her careful defenses crashing down. Everything she'd so carefully built up inside of herself to protect against him had melted away with one look, one word, one almost-touch. The pulse started up again: _Run. Run. Run_. She had to get away from him and his whiskey coloured eyes and his smoky voice and that goddamned smile that made her weak at the knees. She had to get away because if he kept talking to her she was going to do something really stupid.

Images of their time together, unbidden, flashed in her mind: _their limbs tangled in sweaty ecstasy. His lips moving reverently on her body, feather light touches that drove her wild. Honey coloured eyes staring hungrily into her molten yellow eyes as they'd moved together in a dance as old as time…_

Shepard jabbed the elevator button again; harshly, viciously. _Run. Run Run._ She was only too conscious of his eyes watching her as she waited for the elevator. If she turned around he'd be watching her, she _knew_ he would be. Her skin prickled under the weight of his gaze and she forced herself _not_ to turn around. She was strong, dammit! She could control herself! She'd been able to control herself when she'd walked into the docking bay elevator to go back to the Normandy and seen him standing there. She'd been able to control herself when he'd asked to come back onto the Normandy.

She could control herself now and she wouldn't let him get close to her again.

The doors opened and she stepped inside, pressing the button for her cabin as she turned around and risked on small look as the door closed; and sure enough he was watching her and those honey brown eyes met hers with an almost electric crash as she the doors closed and she was freed from his gaze. Shepard sagged against the wall of the elevator and let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding as she was whisked to her cabin and away from his penetrating and haunting eyes.

"Dammit Shepard! Pull yourself together!" She ran her hand through her hair again, and as the doors opened she closed the distance to her cabin, shutting herself inside and sinking down at her desk.

This cabin had become her safe place in recent days; a place where she could shut out anything and everything that was bothering her. A place where she could focus on problems one by one and distract herself from anything that might be lurking outside. It wasn't like her to hide from problems, but recently everything had started to take its toll – everyone was looking to her for answers and sometimes she wanted to scream at everyone to leave her alone.

Shepard switched her terminal on and ran her eyes over the new messages she had received, but it was hard to concentrate on the messages so she skimmed her eyes over them only briefly. There wasn't anything critical demanding her attention yet, but soon enough she'd be needed for a new mission and would have a new problem to face. Until then she had to get herself under control and stop this nonsense with Kaidan. It wasn't the first time he'd haunted her dreams and thoughts, and she had a ritual for purging him from her mind.

As she had done every time she started to feel sentimental about him she scanned back through the messages on her terminal until she found the note he'd sent her after Horizon. She almost didn't need to read the letter, she knew it word for word, but this was part of the ritual and it helped her focus. It helped her gain perspective on what Kaidan Alenko had done to her the last time she'd let him close. So she read the hateful letter and then she read it again, focusing on the parts of the message that she found the most enraging.

… _I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again…I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore…a lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside...When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know…_

She felt the familiar surge of bile in her stomach as she read the lines over and over, focusing on them until the letters blurred and all she felt was the familiar thrumming anger pumping through her body. The letter was so _impersonal_ , so _casual_ and so lacking in any real sense of emotion. It was a poor excuse for an apology and reading it never failed to raise her hackles. Why tell her that he had been dating other women? What had he thought to achieve by sharing that with her? Had he been trying to make her jealous? Or had he been guilty and trying to clear his conscious?

And the mention of the two years that had passed, and of him not knowing who she was anymore and not wanting to put the two years aside. It was cruel. It was hurtful. She hated the letter and she hated him for sending it. Rather than apologising for what he had said on Horizon the letter felt like a confirmation of all the horrible things he had said to her and all the terrible things he had accused her of. He hadn't wanted to hear her explanation, hadn't cared when she had tried to offer them, he'd just shut her down.

She closed the terminal down with quick angry fingers and embraced the anger that was thrumming through her as she remembered his rejection. Even now, more than a year later, the words he had said on Horizon still haunted her and still made her hurt in a way that was too deep to ignore. She'd been so desperate to get to Horizon and save Kaidan; to see him again and to hold him again, that she hadn't even considered that he might have moved on with his life. She hadn't been prepared for his rejection and she certainly hadn't been prepared for his bitterness or his anger. He'd hurt her badly and, even worse, he'd made her feel foolish for daring to hope that they would still have a future together. The wound was so deep that even all these months later it was still open and aching.

Zillia smiled bitterly at her faint reflection on the glass of her private terminal and the reflection stared mockingly back at her. _You still love him,_ it seemed to say, _that's why it still hurts._

 _Maybe,_ she acknowledged silently, _maybe I do still love him…but that's all the more reason to keep him at a distance._ _All the more reason not to let Kaidan Alenko back into my heart._

* * *

Kaidan didn't have many belongings to bring with him to the Normandy: some clothes, some vids and some personal items. They amounted to barely a backpack and he was easily able to find a spare footlocker to store them in when he went searching for a spare bunk in the crew quarters. Once he had a place to sleep and had his belongings stored away, he restlessly wandered around the crew quarters before deciding to take himself on a tour of the new Normandy. He'd spent a little time on here prior to the Mars mission where that android had almost smashed his head in, but he found the new layout disorientating. Everything was so different from the SSR Normandy – bigger, newer and somehow more intimidating.

He returned to the CIC deck where Traynor was still diligently at her post, analysing data streams and intercepting messages. Her face glowed a cheery orange from the omni-tool she was currently frowning at, her eyes rapidly moving over data which was flowing across it.

"Specialist Traynor, think you could help me out with a little info on the layout of the Normandy? I keep getting a lost." Kaidan grinned affably as Traynor glanced up at him, pausing the screen on her omni-tool and giving him a friendly smile.

"Of course, Major." She tapped out a sequence and a new window opened in front of her with images of the Normandy's various decks. "I can give you the same dossier I gave the Commander when she came on board…although I don't think she paid it much attention." The coms officer laughed quietly and smiled at him cheerfully. "You know what she's like!"

"Yeah, I know what she's like." Kaidan wondered if Samantha Traynor knew about the relationship that he and Shepard had once had. They had tried to be discreet and while most of their fellow soldiers on the ship had known, outside of the crew of the Normandy SR-1 Kaidan didn't think many people had found out. Traynor gave him another friendly smile as she transmitted the program to his omni-tool, and Kaidan realised that it probably didn't matter – Traynor clearly didn't care one way or the other. It was rare to meet people who were so open and honest, but he could believe Samantha Traynor was one of those unusual people who were actually just what they seemed - _nice_.

"Thanks again for the dossier." Kaidan nodded his thanks at the coms officer, who had gone back to analysing data. Then he loaded up the virtual tour of the ship, viewing the information on each deck and reading it carefully before he closed it down and took himself off on his tour of the ship.

* * *

Kaidan was aware of the rest of the crew watching him with curiosity as he moved around the ship and attempted to orientate himself with the new Normandy. Most of them were friendly enough and either greeted him courteously or saluted him as he passed. He knew the commander's cabin was at the top of the ship, and much as he wanted to follow her up here and continue the conversation they'd been having in the docking bay elevator, he had a feeling that Shepard wasn't quite so keen on talking to him. He could deal with that though, being back on board was enough for now.

He'd seen the shuttle bay the last time he'd been on board the Normandy, so he started off by exploring the engineering deck, greeting engineer Adams and having a quick chat before talking briefly to the other engineers who introduced themselves simply as Daniels and Donnelley. He met the Alliance News Network anchor Diana Allers who seemed friendly enough but hinted multiple times that she wanted to interview him one on one at a later date.

Next he explored the Crew Deck, checking out the kitchen which was, for an Alliance ship, incredibly well stocked and he noted with pleasure that the ship had multiple varieties of coffee. He stopped in and saw Liara, who talked to him briefly and distractedly, but she was clearly busy with a VI drone called 'Glyph' who was updating her on the status of several people of importance, and who made conversation with her almost impossible. Kaidan gave up chatting after a few minutes and tactfully promised Liara that they would catch up soon as he left her to whatever it was she did these days.

"Major Alenko!" The commanding female voice halted him in his tracks as he was leaving Liara's room and Kaidan swung about to see Doctor Chakwas lounging far too casually by the door of the med bay, grinning at him like a Cheshire cat. "I was wondering when you were going to grace me with your presence."

Kaidan grinned and self-consciously rubbed the back of his head as crossed the room and shook her hand. "Well, you know how much I love doctors."

"Mmm, you love us so much you wound up in ICU in Huerta Memorial. That's a lot of love." Chakwas laughed throatily and waved him into the med bay. "I've been meaning to catch up with you and do a quick check up of your implants, I'm glad I caught you before you could slink away." Her grey eyes sparkled as she saw him try to stifle a sigh.

Kaidan gestured for the doctor to precede him through the door and then followed her through, lounging against one of the examination tables resignedly as Chakwas produced her omni-tool with alarming speed and proceeded to perform a quick check up of his biotic implants. He'd always liked doctor Chakwas – back on the SSR Normandy she had been genuinely interested in helping him cope with the headaches and migraines that plagued him. He'd never been a fan of doctors and hospitals, but he liked her.

"So, how have your implants been? Getting any better? Worse?" She held the glowing orange tool up next to his head and it bleeped reassuringly. "You certainly took quite a beating on Mars."

"Yeah, it was pretty bad. But I've been good since they released me. My implants have been their normal temperamental selves. The new drugs the doctors from Huerta gave me have been helping a little." He considered the frequency of his headaches and then shrugged. "I think."

Chakwas flicked her silver eyes up to him as she continued her check-up, pinning him like a butterfly with her steely gaze. "That's good to hear. I suppose you're getting sick of people telling you how lucky you are to have come back from that, but as the first doctor to see you after Shepard brought you in to the Citadel, well, you really are lucky not to have had any lasting damage." She lowered the omni-tool from him and considered its readings, nodding slightly.

"I was that bad, huh? I don't remember any of it: just waking up in Huerta." He tried to ease the tension in the room by keeping his tone light and playful, but Chakwas was having none of it.

"Yes, you were _that_ bad. Honestly Major, I think the Commander thought you were dead or dying when she brought you in, she was frantic about getting you help. Liara had done what she could to stabilise you, but she hadn't been sure you'd make it back to the Citadel and medical help." Chakwas considered him at length and finally closed her omni-tool, she seemed to give herself a small shake before she spoke again. "Your implants are doing fine Major, but make sure you keep coming back for regular check-ups."

"I will, ma'am."

"Good, and on a more personal note, Kaidan," She paused again and hesitated before she spoke, "you should speak to the commander about what happened on Mars. Maybe reassure her that it wasn't her fault that you were hurt. She's under a lot of stress at the moment and I know you two used to be close." Chakwas shrugged and turned away, suddenly finding something to keep herself busy at her work station. "Anyway, it's good to see you again."

Kaidan nodded at the doctor and quietly left the med bay. He spared a glance at the main battery but the thought of chatting to Garrus didn't hold much appeal to him. Since Shepard had reluctantly confirmed that the rumours he'd been hearing were true and that she and Vakarian had been in a relationship together…well…he hadn't known what to think. He'd known that Vakarian and Shepard were close, heck they'd been best pals when they had all been on the Normandy SR-1 together, but he certainly hadn't seen any sign of anything between them back then…

_What would you know, Alenko? Vakarian obviously didn't scream abuse at her when she turned up again and asked him to join her Cerberus crew. He had her back the entire time. He risked his life for her again and again, no matter how bad the odds of survival had been. God, Garrus defended her on Horizon when you were all but accusing her of deliberately keeping you in the dark about still being alive, and ranting about her working for Cerberus. He stood up for her and never doubted her…_

Kaidan shook his head and chased the thoughts out of his head. Whatever had happened, had happened and dwelling on it wasn't going to make him feel any better. He couldn't change what he'd said on Horizon and he couldn't change that Shepard had moved on with her life in a way that he hadn't been able to. It helped to know that she and Garrus had ended things, and that they weren't seeing each other anymore, but it was still going to be hard to see Garrus and know that Vakarian been there for Shepard when he'd turned his back on her.

However, like most things in Kaidan's life, things didn't go as planned and before he could move away from the hallway that led to the main battery the door opened and Garrus appeared, striding quickly down the hallway towards him on those weird backwards bending legs that reminded Kaidan of crickets back on earth, not, mind you, that he would ever had told Tali or Garrus what they reminded him of. For a second Kaidan felt swallowed up in awkwardness and he wasn't sure what to say, but apparently the Turian wasn't seized by the same feelings and he casually strode towards him decked out in his intimidating armour.

"Kaidan, good to have you back with us." Garrus sounded perfectly, horribly, normal and gave him what passed for a Turian smile as he sauntered past the human and up to Liara's room, knocking briefly, pausing a moment and then vanishing inside without waiting for Kaidan to respond to him.

Kaidan blinked slowly as he stared at Liara's door and the spot where Garrus had been standing before he disappeared inside. What the _hell_ had had just happened? Clearly Garrus didn't bear him any ill-will, in fact the Turian didn't seem overly interested in him at all. Abruptly Kaidan felt more than a little silly; he'd been envisioning awkward conversations and maybe even Garrus being a little hostile towards him but clearly the Turian was being as pragmatic as ever.

Kaidan shook his head at his own childishness and rubbed the back of his head again. Garrus couldn't be as nonchalant as he had acted, but Kaidan respected that he was trying to keep things normal despite their shared history of Shepard.

_How had she and Garrus…?_

"No. You're not going to think about it!" Kaidan muttered to himself. He whirled around and headed in another direction, any direction, other than the one Vakarian had just taken. He needed a little time to process everything that had happened today: Re-joining the Normandy, Chakwas telling him how badly hurt he'd been and how worried Shepard had been. Yes, some time on his own would do him good, Kaidan decided as he made his way to the Starboard Observation Lounge.

* * *

**A/N - Not much has happened...yet, but there will be lots more action in the next chapter. Shenkolishious action perhaps. Reviews and feedback are always loved!**


	3. Things We Couldn't Kill

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or any of the characters, races or technology.

_**A/N – Thank you again to the people reading, reviewing and following this fic. I hope you're enjoying the ride. This chapter is NOT what I expected it to be or what I said it would be. I got haf way through and then my muse had a hissy fit and demanded I rewrite it. So I did! There were a few major changes, for one thing I wrote out Vega and instead wrote in Garrus. This chapter also had less romance and more potential set up for the next chapter.  
** _

* * *

Shepard's fingers drummed a restless pattern on the table as she read the report one more: Cerberus was at it again and this time had taken out two Alliance bases in the space of two days, both of them strategically important to the Alliance's fight against the Reapers. One of them was a listening post set up near the outskirts of the Sol system and had been responsible for tracking Reapers movements within humanities home system. The other base was of scientific significance and was located on the planet Therum in the Artemis Tau system. The scientists on it had been doing some in-depth studies of Reaper tech, but the research had been top secret and not even Hackett was able to give her details on what had been going on there, which was so typical of the Alliance that Shepard hadn't been remotely surprised.

Hackett had given her orders to take out the Cerberus forces on the listening post as soon as she was able, since getting an idea of what was going on in the Sol system was the most pressing concern for the Alliance force at the current time. He'd been hopeful that while they took back the listening post, he would be able to scramble another strike force to take out the Scientific base on Therum, but his orders had hinted that if he was unable to find enough men for the strike force she could expect to be ordered there as well.

Shepard put the data pad down and glanced at her team who were seated around the table, most of them talking quietly about the latest orders and waiting to see who Shepard would choose to go on the strike force for the listening post. They all knew her rules about keeping her landing teams small and mobile, and while it was frustrating at times to only take two other soldiers with her on missions, the reality was that keeping her team small worked to her advantage in most situations. Besides too many people on a mission just meant more possibilities for more casualties, as she'd learned the hard way on Akuze.

"Okay, we're going to need to go in fast and hard with the listening post. We don't know what kind of condition the station is in but we know it took a beating from Cerberus during their attack. We can expect Cerberus to be there in force so I need people with me who have some tech ability and military training, which means Alenko and Vakarian will accompany me on the strike team and Cortez can fly us in and out." She noticed Liara looking at her oddly, but she ignored it and continued speaking, this time facing and talking to Kaidan and Garrus alone. "We should be coming out of FTL any moment now, so get your gear together and meet me in the docking bay asap. Dismissed."

With a nod at Kaidan and Garrus she pushed away from the table in the War Room and strode to the elevator, aware of the Turian's and Biotic's footsteps behind her as they followed in her wake. She supposed she ought to think of Kaidan as more than just a 'biotic', especially as he was a Major in the Alliance and a council Spectre now, but thinking of him as just another biotic solider was another way in which she kept that distance between them. She reached the elevator and pushed the button, Garrus and Kaidan stopping behind her as they waited.

"Are we expecting a big fight, Commander?" Garrus asked casually from behind her as they waited.

"Yeah, do we have any intel on how big of a force we can expect?" Kaidan chimed in as he came to stop behind her, hovering in her peripheral vision and demanding attention with his very presence.

She turned slightly so she could see both of them and shrugged, "The information I have is sketchy at best. It was a large landing party that Cerberus sent in but I don't have exact numbers or information on what type of a force. I imagine they probably sent in soldiers and engineers but we won't know until we get there. Our primary goals are going to be to take the listening post back and get it operational again."

The elevator doors opening and the three of them stepped inside, Kaidan automatically pressing the button for the Shuttle Bay.

"So, a lot of fighting and more button pushing. I suppose you'll be hogging that part of the job again?" Garrus sounded amused and Shepard gave him a wry grin, aware that Kaidan was watching then both expressionlessly.

"There has to be some perks to leadership." She chuckled as Garrus returned her mocking grin and included Kaidan in her smile since he was looking a little left out, his face instantly lightened at her smile which made her stomach twist in a not entirely unpleasant way.

"She still does all the easy button pushing, huh?" Kaidan asked the Turian lightly, his amusement obvious in his voice.

"Oh yeah, no button is safe from the great Commander Shepard!"

Shepard gave them both a mock-frown as they laughed and turned back to the door as the elevator slowed and the doors opened, both of them following her to the armoury. "I don't always hog the button pushing you know. Back on Palavern's moon I let Liara repair the Comm Tower."

"I'll have to take your word for that, I was too busy hunting primarchs." Garrus chuckled again as he picked up his sniper rifle and particle gun and, being the only one already in his armour, he simply slotted them across his back and made his way over to Cortez who was doing a system's check on the shuttle. Shaking her head, Shepard glanced at Kaidan as they both made their way to the armoury and began suiting up.

Normally Shepard didn't have a problem with dressing in her armour while other people were in the room, after all it wasn't like she had to strip off all the way; just down to her underclothes. But it felt awkward today with Kaidan standing a few feet away and undressing down to basics and then strapping himself into his armour. It took a massive, almost superhuman effort not to watch him as he put his armour on and an even greater effort to concentrate on putting her own armour on with fingers that suddenly felt clumsy and fat.

Was it like this for him? Did he feel super aware of her too? She snuck a quick look at him as she was fastening her chest plate and almost cursed out loud as he glanced up at the exact same time and met her eyes. For a second he just held her gaze and then he coolly looked away and finished adjusting his gauntlets, his expression as unreadable as ever. The atmosphere felt tense and thicker all of a sudden and Shepard finished dressing as quickly as could, putting on and adjusting her Kuwashii Visor as she left the armoury without a word.

The pulse was back again: _Run. Run. Run._

* * *

"The station doesn't have much in the way of defensive weapons, so the shuttle should be good to dock in the docking bay. We'll clear any Cerberus soldiers there when we land." Kaidan could hear Shepard's voice as she spoke to Cortez, but whatever Steve Cortez said in reply was lost in the noise of the engines as they lifted off and he engaged the stealth engine.

He watched as Shepard made her way back to them gracefully despite the rocking motion of the shuttle, one hand keeping her balance as the small ship moved around them. He couldn't stop thinking about the way she'd been watching him in the armoury. Okay, so maybe it had only been one quick look, but the look in her eyes when he looked up and caught her watching him had been hungry; it was the same look he knew was in his own eyes whenever he looked at her. Unfortunately as soon as she'd realised he was watching her she'd looked away and left, leaving him feeling confused again about what she felt.

"So what's the plan, Shepard?" Garrus had pulled his sniper rifle into his hands and was checking it over carefully, paying careful attention to the scope. "Are we doing our usual sweep and destroy?"

Shepard sat down next to the Turian and nodded. "Yeah, I'll take point and go in with Kaidan. You stay just behind us with the sniper rifle and hit as many as you can. Use overload on any turrets and engineers we come across and switch to the particle rifle when things heat up."

Kaidan felt the same irritated feeling of being excluded as he'd felt in the elevator, as the two of them began to talk about strategy. They talked with the ease of soldiers who had fought together for a long time; soldiers who knew each other's moves, expectations and abilities. Once upon a time he'd had that same feeling when he went into battle with Shepard and Garrus, but those days were years in the past and his own recent behaviour with Shepard and Cerberus had put him in the outer.

"Kaidan, keep your barrier going and Reave as often as you can." Shepard pulled out her Carnifex heavy pistol and checked the thermal clips. "Slow anything big down with your Cryo Blast. We're not here to take prisoners so shoot to kill."

"Sure thing, Shepard." He pulled out his own particle rifle and readied it, wanting to prove himself to Shepard and show her that he trusted her. If she could believe in him again then maybe she would see him as something more than the man who had questioned her at every turn.

The shuttle slowed and executed a turn as it came in to land; all of them heard Cortez as he swore loudly and called back to them. "Commander, you've got a Cerberus greeting party out there waiting for you – I'm afraid you're going to have to contend with more than just soldiers and engineers, looks to me like they brought an Atlas or two."

Shepard cursed as she got up and moved back up next to Cortez, "Can you drop us off and then retreat back to a safe point until we call you in for a pickup?"

"Of course, Commander. Now hold tight, this isn't going to be a fast and rough landing."

* * *

The first few minutes out of the shuttle were intense; even by Kaidan's standard the fighting extreme and violent. Cerberus was clearly under orders to stop them taking back the base at all costs, and they were armed to the teeth and willing to do anything to stop them. Cerberus fighters and soldiers dropped in on them in waves while engineers set up turrets almost faster than they could take them out. The two Atlases they had seen earlier bombarded them with their rocket launchers and machine guns.

It was also the first time since her resurrection that he'd seen Shepard in action while under extreme pressure, and he had to admit it was impressive; she was ruthless, frightening and unstoppable. She and Kaidan had taken cover behind some packing boxes and were taking out soldiers with biotics and bullets. Shepard was incredible to watch in battle; for each soldier he took out, Shepard had knocked down two. She fired biotic blasts of frightening intensity, something which he was certain she hadn't been able to do back when they'd been fighting together on the first Normandy.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?" He managed to ask when she pulled back from firing a blast which seemed to have staggered one of the Atlases.

"Learned it from an Aria on Omega." She grinned at him, wildly and madly, before firing quickly over the tops of the boxes and then taking cover again and ejecting a spent thermal clip. A round of fire hit the top of the boxes they were huddled behind and she cursed again and huddled lower, "Garrus! Take them out!"

The loud thumping sound of a concussive shot was Garrus' only reply as the unlucky soldier who'd shot at them met his maker.

"Aria T'Loak? The psychopath who runs Omega? You seem to be moving in very different social circles since I was last on your team." Kaidan shouted to her as a rocket hit the back of the crates and smoke and debris rained down around them. Shepard gave him a frowning look at his words and Kaidan instantly regretted saying them, "Not that they're anything wrong with that! I hear those Omega pole dancers are pretty sexy." He spared her a grin and felt relieved when the frown vanished and she took his joke for what it was.

"Sheppard, they're setting up another turret dead ahead." Garrus' voice crackled over their radio as another blasts of fire hit their position and Shepard rapidly fired back and ejected another clip.

"Roger that." Her yellow eyes met his and Kaidan was again surprised by the quiet rage that was burning in them. "Garrus, give me some cover while I take out the engineer and any soldiers trying to protect him. Kaidan, you take that fucking turret out before it gets one of us." Shepard broke her gaze and swung around the crates and was gone in an instant, charging into battle in a blue biotic flare. He heard a sickening crunch and a male cry of pain as Shepard's charge hit its mark, followed by several of Garrus' concussive blasts.

Kaidan followed Shepard around the boxes, taking note of a damaged and sparking Atlas off to one side and several soldiers dropping in on the ground straight ahead near the turret that was trying to follow Shepard's moves as she zigzagged across the docking bay in biotic charges. Kaidan fired off a blast of his particle rifle at the turret ahead and sent an overload at it. He was rewarded with a flash of sparks and light as its electronics fried and its shields failed. He quickly took cover behind some crates and fired his rifle at it again and within seconds of the high intensity beam hitting it, it exploded, raining hot metal on the soldiers who were nearby who screamed in pain.

"Good job, Major." Shepard's voice crackled in his ear.

Kaidan let her praise wash over him as he saw a Cerberus soldier, badly hurt from one of her charges slowly picking himself back up. He quickly threw a Cryo Blast at him and then fired his rifle, feeling a strange rush of satisfying rage as the soldier fractured and smashed apart in a cloud of frozen body parts and icy blood. The flow of Cerberus soldiers seemed to be slowing, until finally it seemed only the two Atlases were left, mechanically clomping around ominously behind billowing clouds of smoke.

"I hate those things." Shepard took covered beside him and inserted a thermal clip into her gun. She pressed on her radio and contacted Vakarian, who Kaidan could only assume was nearby with his sniper rifle. "Garrus, can you see them through your scope?"

"Sure can. You have one almost dead ahead; very badly damaged. The other is a little further back with the canopy open. It doesn't seem to be moving anymore. I think the pilot might have ejected and run for it."

"Right." Shepard nodded at Kaidan and fired off another one of her impressive Flares and then fired rapidly into the smoke ahead with incendiary ammo, Kaidan's green particle rifle beam fire alongside hers. They knew they'd hit their target when there was a resounding boom and flash of light from within the smoke and Atlas parts careened through the air around them. Then there was silence, beautiful and suspicious silence.

"All clear, Commander." Garrus' voice, his _real_ voice, called out and the Turian appeared from on top of some stacked up crates where he had made a makeshift sniper nest. He leaped to the ground and approached them, his sniper rifle slung casually over one shoulder. "I think we might have wiped out their main force, although I'm also pretty sure we're going to find more Cerberus goons inside the facility."

"Don't we always?" Shepard ejected another overheated clip and quickly scouted around for more ammo. "C'mon, let's keep going and get this over quickly."

Kaidan watched as Shepard inserted new thermal clips into the pistol and then vanished into the smoke that was still billowing ahead, he and Garrus following a step behind, their guns at the ready. The Commander's hate for Cerberus was so blindingly obvious that Kaidan wondered how he'd ever questioned her loyalty to the Alliance and thought she might still be working for the Illusive Man. It was no wonder she'd become frustrated with him on Mars; after all she'd done to help Earth and the Alliance it must have been pretty shitty to have him questioning her motives.

Moving as a team they made their way into the guts of the facility, clearing out small nests of Cerberus fighters as they went, Shepard usually charging in and letting off a nova blast with Garrus and Kaidan mopping up behind her. Her fighting style was far more brutal than it used to be, and far more reckless. When they finally made it to the central office the place had an abandoned air to it, as though Cerberus had only just fallen back and retreated from the offices. It made Kaidan nervous.

"Commander, whatever you're doing in there you need to do it fast. You have Cerberus troops regrouping in the docking bay and they'll probably be on you again in minutes." Cortez's voice came over the radio, buzzing with static. "But in better news, Hackett has a team of Alliance soldiers on his way here ready to take back the listening post once you've cleared out the garbage."

"Thanks Cortez, we'll be as fast as we can. Be ready to pick us up." Shepard holstered her gun and made her way over to a console.

"Time for that button pushing, Commander?" Kaidan put his particle rifle down in the console and leaned over to watch as her hands flew over the console, reactivating the listening posts and bringing the power back online.

"Mmmhmm, the best part of my job." She gave him another one of her toe curling molten eyed looks as the console beeped accommodatingly under her touch. "There, that should do it." The consoles, tech and lights powered back up around them and Shepard stepped back. "Now we just need to take out the trash Cortez was telling us about."

She drew her gun again and they back-tracked as a team through the facility, pausing just inside what was left of the docking bay doors which were now pitted and smoking from the earlier fighting. They could hear the sound of running and raised voices as Cerberus troops scattered and took cover on the other side; clearly they were expected.

There weren't as many Cerberus troops waiting for them this time as there had been when they first arrived, which made the fighting easier, but the forces they were facing seemed desperate not to lose the facility back to the Alliance and their fighting was every bit as brutal as Shepard's own tactics. As the fighting dragged on Kaidan felt a faint pulse beginning in his head that signaled that he was pushing his biotics too far and the implants were starting to act up; he'd pay for pushing them this hard later with a migraine but he wasn't going to let Sheppard down.

They had forced most of the Cerberus troops into a retreat when it happened; the abandoned Atlas that they'd ignored in their first sweep through the dock bay started up again as some brave Cerberus pilot jumped in to take his chance. Maybe he was trying to buy the rest of the troops some time to make it to their shuttle and evac, since it was clear that that was what the survivors were doing, or maybe he was just trying to kill them while he could.

"Shepard! That Atlas is on the move again! Watch your ass." Kaidan wasn't sure of the commander's current location as she'd recently charged into a small group of retreating soldiers that had fired off a smoke bomb, but he guessed from the noises and flashes of light that she was somewhere just beyond some crates that he could see Garrus using for cover.

He sent a Reave at the Atlas and took cover near Garrus who was firing rapidly with Concussive shots at the hulking mech. Beyond the Atlas, Kaidan could see a tangle of white and yellow Cerberus bodies and the twisted remains of a smoking turret next to the shuttle that more a few more scattered Cerberus troops were backing into, all of them firing at Shepard who was glowing with biotic light as she took down three soldiers at once with two Nova blasts in a row.

With a start, Kaidan heard the whine of machine gun engines as the Atlas began firing at Shepard, who ran for cover, bullets flicking past her head as she threw herself behind a packing container. He couldn't tell if she'd been hit or not so he buried his worry and focused his shots on the overloaded mech that was beginning to spark and fizzle; Garrus firing right alongside him. Moments before it blew they saw the pilot eject and scramble for cover, and then there was the usual bright flash of light as the Ezo engines exploded.

Shielding his eyes from the light, Kaidan heard the Cerberus evac shuttle take off and leave and, distracted, turned to look, momentarily forgetting about the pilot. Ahead of him he saw Shepard come out from cover and take a few shots at the shuttle, but the shots did no visible damage and the shuttle passed beyond the force field around the docking bay and quickly went into FTL and vanished.

"Shepard! Look out!" Garrus shout startled both Kaidan and Shepard who spun around in time to see the Atlas pilot with his weapon raised. There was no time for Sheppard to react, maybe less than a second, and then the pilot fired at her. In the moments that followed, Kaidan wasn't sure exactly what had happened, only that the commander was fine and instead Garrus was down in front of her, his blue blood slowly leaking from a serious looking wound on his neck. The shot, Kaidan later realised, had been aimed at the commander's head and would have done some serious damage and possibly even killed her had Garrus not thrown himself into its way.

"No!" Sheppard's chilling scream was one of rage and she instantly flew at the pilot in a biotic charge, her anger a palpable thing in the air as she slammed into the soldier with another of the sickening bone breaking crunches and fired rapidly into him with her gun. She moved so fast and dispatched the pilot so quickly that she had killed him and was running back to the downed Turian before Kaidan had even moved.

"You stupid idiot, Vakarian!" She had dropped to her knees beside Garrus and was pressing one of her hands tightly against the side of his neck to stem the flow of blood, while the other one quickly tried to apply medigel. "What the hell were you thinking?" Garrus coughed up some blood and struggled to sit up, but Shepard him pressed onto the ground since it was clear he was badly hurt and wasn't fit to go anyway on his own power.

"Cortez, we need a pick up now. Garrus is down. I need you to radio the Normandy and let Chakwas know that we're going to need a team to meet us in the shuttle bay." Kaidan quickly covered the distance to Garrus, alert for any more surprises as he radioed Cortez. He received a confirmation from the pilot and knelt down next to Shepard and put his hands over the wound, helping to stem the blood since Shepard was having trouble applying the medigel with only one hand. She removed her hand, now covered in Garrus' blue blood and shakily applied the medigel.

"Don't you dare die on me, Vakarian." Shepard ordered him sternly, seeming to completely forget Kaidan's presence next to her as she stared down at her friend. She reached down and picked up one of Garrus' hands, squeezing it firmly in her own as the Turian opened his alien eyes to stare up at her. Something passed between them that Kaidan didn't want to know about, a silent understanding that only lovers have, and he felt his heart sink a little.

"Wouldn't dream of it. Just trying to refresh those scars of mine." The Turian coughed up some more blood, and seemed that his words, as well as reassuring her that he was going to be fine, had some hidden meaning for Shepard who instantly blushed and let go of his hand, instead busying herself with picking up Garrus' gun as Cortez brought the shuttle down as close to them as he safely could.

Kaidan didn't have time to ponder why those words had made Shepard blush, nor did he want to think about it too deeply, instead he and Shepard had to lift Garrus between them; no mean feat since the he weighed almost as much as Krogan. Then, together, they carried him to the Shuttle and started back to the Normandy and medical help.

Maybe it was selfish, but for the short flight back while Shepard kept her hands over Garrus' neck wound and spoke to him quietly, all Kaidan could think about was that Shepard had said that things were over between her and Garrus. He'd believed her at the time, but if it was true, then what was going on between them? Was it just concern for a friend or was it possible that they still had feelings for each other?

As Kaidan watched Shepard leaning over Garrus he felt a sinking gnawing fear start in his stomach. He didn't want to lose Shepard again, even if she wasn't really even his to lose anymore.

* * *

**A/N - I hope you enjoyed it! As always feedback and reviews are loved but certainly not required! Just enjoy! :)**


	4. Entwined

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or any of the characters, technology or alien species!

 **A/N – T** **his chapter has smut and Shenko-love in it, so you know, fair warning in case you're easily scandalised and need to hide your blushing eyes!**

* * *

Kaidan sat at the table near the kitchen with Liara and James, the three of them were drinking coffee and watching through the medical bay windows as Chakwas spoke to Shepard. Next to the two women, and still unconscious on a bed, was Garrus who Chakwas had been able to stabilise and stitch up, although he had lost a lot of blood. Kaidan would have felt as though he was spying on a private moment, except that Liara and James were with him and were just as curious as he was about Garrus' condition.

Although they were probably less concerned with Garrus and Sheppard's relationship than he was.

"So, Vakarian took a bullet for Lola, huh?" James was leaning back with his feet on the table, grinning slightly as he watched the show; blissfully unaware of how uncomfortable the entire situation was for Kaidan. "Didn't think he'd stoop this low to show me up."

"Show you up?" Liara sounded amused. "I hardly think that was at the forefront of his mind when he made the decision to jump in the way of the bullet."

"Nah, that's just what he wants you to think." James winked at Liara and took his feet off the table, sitting forward to watch more carefully through the window. "Seriously though, it looked like a nasty shot."

"Yeah, it all happened pretty fast but I think Garrus is lucky he didn't take more damage." Kaidan said quietly as he took a sip of his coffee and then gestured down at the armour he still wore, which was covered in Garrus' blue blood. "He lost a lot of blood."

"It's admirable that he saved the commander." Liara spoke in her usual measured way, her voice as quiet and hushed as Kaidan's had been as she gestured to the unconscious Turian. "I hope he's going to be okay. I don't know if Shepard could take another person on her team being seriously wounded."

Kaidan looked down at his mug at Liara's words, tightening his grip and wondering, not for the first time, if Shepard had been this worried when he had been hurt. He couldn't shake the feeling that maybe whatever had gone on between Shepard and Garrus had been more serious then Shepard had let on, or that maybe things weren't as over as she'd made out. Was that why she had still been so distant from him? Was she in love with the Turian and simply hadn't had the heart to say it to his face back at Huerta?

"They used to be a couple, didn't they?" James looked around at Kaidan and Liara, who both went still at his words, but either Vega didn't pick up on the tension or he didn't care. "The Commander and Vakarian, right? That's what I heard."

"They used to be, yes." Liara spoke as though the words were being tortured out of her and she very carefully didn't look Kaidan when she spoke.

Liara was probably one of the few people on the ship who Kaidan knew for certain _did_ know about his previous relationship with Shepard, and who also knew what had happened between them on Horizon. She probably even suspected that he was still hopelessly in love with Shepard; Liara had always been far too perceptive.

"So why'd they break up? I mean, was it a mutual thing or did one of them end it?" James kept pushing, narrowing his eyes as Liara frowned at him and flicked her eyes towards Kaidan, trying to tell him to shut up without speaking. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but they're the only Turian-Human couple I've ever heard of. I mean, I know there are others, but it's not a common pairing, y'know. So why'd they end it?"

Liara sighed in exasperation and spared a quick look at Kaidan who was still stoically looking away. "I don't know the details, James, but I think Shepard ended it with him after they met up again on Palaven's moon."

"So they only recently broke up…"

"Excuse me, but can we talk about something else?" Kaidan returned his cup to the table with more force than was necessary and some of the coffee spilled over the edge and onto the table, almost instantly the sudden movement, his flaring temper and the bang of his cup on the table made his headache worse and he winced. Kaidan rubbed his throbbing temples, aware that both Liara and James were now watching him, but he hadn't been able to check his temper. The lieutenant's questions had become more and more personal, and for what? There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason for his interest in Shepard's love life.

"Sure we can, I'm just making conversation. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." James shrugged, watching Kaidan carefully. "So, you told me back on Earth that you used to know the Commander,why don't you tell me the story of how you two met."

"Oh James…" Liara put her head in her hands and tried to stifle the groan that was threatening to escape.

"What? I thought…"

"It's okay. I don't care, Liara." Kaidan took a deep breath and pushed his coffee mug aside, suddenly feeling tired and old as he looked at the younger soldier and stood up. "James, Liara can tell you how I know the Commander. I'm afraid I need to see the doctor myself." The pulse in his head that had started during the battle had become worse and he knew a migraine wasn't far away. Already his neck muscles were starting to tighten up and his vision was becoming wracked by visual disturbances, both of which always seemed to come hand in hand with his migraines.

He left them sitting at the table and made his way slowly to the medical bay, one hand rubbing the back of his neck to try and loosen the muscles that were beginning to knot. He hesitated at the door for a second, registering that Chakwas had finished talking to Shepard and that both of them were now quietly standing over the Turian, then he walked in and crossed the floor towards them.

"Doctor, mind if I beg some pain killers off you?" Kaidan tried to sound cheery and hide the pain that was rapidly taking a hold of him, but he knew he was wincing and that the doctor would know.

"Don't tell me you got yourself shot up too, Major." Chakwas came towards him brandishing her omni-tool, but Kaidan held up a hand to forestall the doctor.

"No, no. I just pushed my implants a little hard today and I've got a migraine coming on."

Chakwas made a disapproving noise and walked into the backroom here she kept some of the more unusual medicines stocked. While she was rifling through the boxes, Kaidan walked over to where Shepard was now sitting next to Garrus and put a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"How's he doing?" He asked softly, not knowing if he was intruding or not.

To his surprised Zillia didn't say anything, she just reached up and took his hand. For a second she held it and then she spoke in a careful steady voice; "He's going to be fine. Chakwas had a stock of Turian blood and was able to give him a transfusion, and she's got the wound stabilised." She shrugged in a way that was far too nonchalant. "Unfortunately, he does need micro surgery that she can't do here so we're heading back to the Citadel again."

She sighed deeply and then stood up and faced him, looking at Kaidan as though seeing him for the first time. Kaidan, his pain temporarily forgotten, felt his eyes soften as he saw how pale and shaken Shepard was. She wasn't as strained as she had been earlier when they had rushed Garrus in here; bleeding and unconscious, but she looked suddenly fallible and tired. Her golden eyes were weary looking and her hair was mattered with blood and grit. She stood staring at him for a moment, as though she wasn't sure what to say, and then stepped forward and hugged him, wrapping her arms around his so tightly that Kaidan was sure he could feel the pressure through his armour.

"Shepard…" He murmured as he brought his arms up and returned her hug, and then reluctantly released her when he felt her drawing back.

"I can't…not here." She gestured out the medical bay windows were James and Liara were still talking, both of them very carefully _not_ watching them. Shepard let her arms drop away from him and drew in a deep breath. "Sometimes it feels like Cerberus is still trying to control me. First they try to kill you on Mars, and now Garrus..." Her voice trailed off and she sighed, "it sounds so stupid, but they just keeping hurting the people that mean a lot to me."

Kaidan felt his heart squeeze at being included amongst the people who she cared about, and he reached up and clasped her shoulder. "You mean a lot to me too, Shepard. I haven't really had a chance to speak to you since I came on board but…

With impeccable timing Doctor Chakwas came back through the doors with Kaidan's medication in her hands and Kaidan let himself fall silence as she spoke, "Here you go, Major. Take this and rest and you should be on your feet in no time."

"Thanks doctor. Commander, I'll talk to you later." He gave Shepard a wry smile, knowing she wouldn't want to continue their talk in front of the doctor, no matter how comfortable she was with the older lady.

"Thanks again, Kaidan." Shepard nodded her thanks at him as he turned to leave, feeling a little better about the situation then he had earlier on.

He couldn't ignore the pain anymore as it crashed back through the temporary block that Shepard had provided, and he made his way to the crew quarters as quickly as he could, ignoring the suspicious silence that was coming from James and Liara as they watched him make his way unsteadily across the room.

* * *

"You're shitting me? The Commander and the Major were an item?" James barely waited until Kaidan had vanished into the crew quarters before the words burst out of him and Liara quickly hushed him, looking around in case anyone was listening. "Sorry, but Alenko seems like such a stickler for rules. I wouldn't have picked him for breaking fraternisation regulations! How did I not know about this?"

"Shhh! It's not exactly common knowledge, James. I don't think either Shepard or Kaidan want people to know about their history, especially not after what happened…"

"Okay, now you have to give me more details. You can't tell me that Major Alenko was on the original Normandy crew _and_ had hooked up with Shepard, and not tell me what the hell happened to them." James lowered his voice to a more appropriate level. "I mean, when I asked the Major on Earth if he knew Shepard he didn't exactly sound glad to see her."

"James, you need to keep what I tell you to yourself." Liara frowned at him again, her gentle voice dropping even lower, "I wasn't there, so I only know what Joker told me, but I know that Kaidan was on the original Normandy when it was destroyed, and that he only survived because Shepard made him get to an evacuation pod. Keep in mind _he_ survived and _she_ didn't and he spent two years mourning her and wondering if there was anything he could have done to save her…only to have her turn up alive and apparently unharmed on Horizon. To make matters worse he discovered that she was working for Cerberus."

"He freaked out?" James guessed.

"That and more." The Asari nodded, her blue eyes looking sad. "Joker wasn't there, mind you, but Shepard talked to him about what happened, as did Garrus, and he said that Kaidan really laid into the Commander and accused her of all sorts of things. When she got back to the Normandy she was a mixture of furious and…and…devastated. I don't know if she and the Major had any contact after that, but I don't believe so."

James leaned back in his seat and let his breath out in a whoosh, "Wow, so the Major broke the Commander's heart and she found solace in the arms of a Turian? This ship is better than a soap opera!" His eyes widened as something occurred to him and he sat forward again, "Oh! Okay, I'm not all that good at reading between the lines here, but are you hinting that the Commander broke up with Vakarian because of the Major coming back onto the ship?"

Liara shrugged and stood up. "I don't know, Lieutenant, and I don't really case. In any case I wouldn't go mouthing off about any of this to Garrus, Shepard or Kaidan or your might find yourself flat on your ass."

* * *

Shepard left Garrus in Chakwas care confidant that he would be fine and slowly walked back to the elevator which she took up to her cabin. Every inch of her body hurt and she could smell the blood, both human and turian, that was covering her armour and was no doubt all over her. The mission, although successful, had been a nightmare; Garrus had taken a bullet for her and almost bled out in the shuttle on the way back, and a Cerberus shuttle had managed to get away. Not to mention that she'd become so emotional that she'd all but thrown herself at Kaidan in the medical bay in full view of Liara and James, who she knew had been watching through the windows.

She felt overwhelmingly confused about what she wanted from Kaidan, even more than she had been feeling prior to the mission today. The Kaidan who had been with her today was the man she remembered from the early days; the Kaidan who she had laughed with, fought alongside and had come to love. She wanted to let go of the hurt and anger and be with him again, but it was hard to forget that the man who she had been with today was also the man who had said those things to her on Horizon.

It was hard to forget and even harder to forgive. Kaidan had asked her to bury it, but he wasn't the one who had been hurt by the person he trusted.

_Or had he?_

Shepard shut the little voice down; she didn't want to think about this tonight. Logically, she knew that Kaidan had said those things because he had thought she'd been alive and hiding from him for two years. She _knew_ that he had believed it and it explained his initial behaviour, but it didn't excuse him for what had come after: His refusal to listen to her, his refusal to see things from her point of view or to help her stop the Collectors…

_He'd been hurting too! He'd been hurting just as much as you!_

Shepard began peeling her armour off piece by piece, letting it fall to the floor with loud metallic clangs. Her underclothes were sticky with dry sweat and clung almost painfully to her skin as she peeled them off and flung them onto the pile of bloodied armour. The shower, normally a soothing experience, seemed to beat down relentlessly on her skin as she scrubbed her body and hair free of the ash, sweat and blood that covered her. She washed her hair twice, wanting to be completely sure that she had washed out all of the bits of frozen Cerberus soldiers that had no doubt ended up in there thanks to Kaidan's Cryo Blasts.

She smiled as she remembered other times, in the weeks after they had destroyed Saren and Sovereign, that she and Kaidan had shared showers; greedy for any time they could spend together. They'd taken the time to explore each other's bodies fully before giving into pleasure and then having to clean themselves all over again. Too many nights they'd gone from making love in the bed, to the shower and then wound up back in bed again. They'd been insatiable when it came to each other.

Shepard's smile faded as she turned the water off and stepped out, wiping the steam from the mirror and looking at herself in the mirror. Those days were long gone. That Shepard had died; died in a suit that depressurised as it careened towards a planet. That Shepard had been reduced to a few charred remains that had scattered over the planet she had died over. She was gone and she didn't need anyone to tell her how much had changed. She wanted that old life back so badly; everything she could have had and everything she could have been.

Sighing again, she wrapped a towel around herself and contacted Joker and let him know that they would need to backtrack to the Citadel to get Garrus medical help.

* * *

Somehow, having to return to the Citadel felt like a frustrating step backwards, especially as they had received new orders from Hackett; not to take back the science base that Cerberus had overrun, but to move out to the Far Rim and make contact with the Quarians. Shepard had never been good at being patient and knowing that Garrus' surgery was essentially going to be a quick one and that they would only need to spend one night on the Citadel made it even more frustrating; it wasn't practical to leave him behind at the hospital for a single night, but it was frustrating to have to delay their journey for that one night.

Garrus had been awake but weak as they'd taken him down to the hospital; a mixture of embarrassed that he was causing so much trouble and proud of the attention he was getting for saving the Commander's life.

"Commander?" Liara's reflection appeared beside her own in the glass of the observation lounge as she moved up and stood alongside her, watching the citadel through the huge window. "A few of us were going to go to Purgatory tonight to help pass the time. I wasn't sure if anyone had asked you yet if you wanted to come."

Although Purgatory wasn't her favourite spot on the Citadel, Shepard could see the attraction for most of her crew, and it would be a good way to pass the time. Drinking and dancing would also be a good way to distract herself from the magnitude of her task in the coming war. She glanced at Liara, "No one had mentioned it to me yet. Who's going?"

"Joker, EDI, James, Cortez, Kaidan, Traynor and myself." Liara looked away from the Citadel to smile at Shepard as she spoke. "I think everyone just assumed that you would be coming too."

Shepard smiled back at Liara and felt herself relax a tiny bit. Liara was a good friend, and although she hadn't been with them on the assault on the Collector's base, she felt that after they'd taken out the Shadow Broker together, that they had been through almost as much as she had with Garrus and Joker. Liara was someone who Shepard could talk things through with, without having to worry about being judged or about having some sarcastic remark thrown in her face.

Sure, she knew she could talk to Garrus, but things between them had changed subtly since she'd ended their relationship; even if it had been a mutual thing, with both of them agreeing that they worked better as friends than they did as a couple. Besides which, she didn't want to talk about Kaidan with Garrus, and she felt like she had to talk to someone about what she was feeling.

"I know that look on your face, Shepard." Liara's voice was teasing as she watched Shepard's thoughts fly through her expressive eyes. "Whatever you want to say, just say it."

Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. She wouldn't have to be tactful with Liara, she could just blurt it out and hope the Asari had some sage-like advice to offer her.

"I don't know what to do about Kaidan…" Shepard awkwardly looked down at her hands while she spoke, not having had a lot of practice at girl talks and relationships. "I still have feelings for him Liara, strong ones, but I'm worried that if anything happens with Cerberus that he won't trust me when it comes down to the wire."

"Have you spoken to him about it?"

"No, we've danced around the topic a few times and Kaidan has straight out said he won't doubt me again…but I can't forget Horizon." Shepard twisted her fingers together and made herself look up at Liara, who was watching her calmly. "I'm not sure if I want to risk getting back together with him. He's let me down so many times."

Liara nodded and sat down on one of the padded chairs that face the window, she patted the seat next to her and gestured for Shepard to take it. "I'm not old for an Asari, Shepard, but I do know that some things are worth risking a little heartache for." Her beautiful azure eyes twinkled and she tilted her head softly to the side. "Major Alenko can't take his eyes off you whenever you come into the room and he gets visibly uncomfortable whenever people talk about you having been with Garrus. It's quite clear that he still cares deeply for you. Whatever he felt for you all those years ago is still very much alive inside of him. It's going to be up to both of you if you want to take the risk of rekindling the relationship."

Shepard pondered Liara's words for a few minutes. "You aren't telling me anything I don't already know, but somehow it helps to hear it from someone else. Thanks." She got back to her feet and took one more look out the window. "I think I will come along to Purgatory tonight. Thanks for the invite."

"Any time, Commander." Liara remained sitting and stared peacefully out the window. Shepard made to leave when Liara's voice interrupted her again, "Oh, and Sheppard?"

"Yes?"

"Remember that we're facing the threat of total annihilation at the hands of the Reapers. In terms of risk taking, I'd say that Major Alenko is probably a pretty safe risk to take and any kind of happiness you can find in these dark days is worth fighting for."

"You could be right, Liara." Shepard agreed quietly as she left the room.

* * *

Kaidan wasn't usually a big drinker, but he could certainly put it away with the best of them and tonight he was having to do just that. First there had been tequila shots with James and Cortez; for some reason James had demanded that he ' _get started early'_ and drink with them in the shuttle bay before they left. Then at Purgatory, Joker and EDI had insisted on buying him several rounds of drinks and Kaidan had been too startled at EDI now inhabiting the body of the android who had tried to kill him to say no. He wasn't sure if she could tell, but she seriously freaked him out in that cold metal body with those cold metal eyes.

Now, his head spinning, Kaidan sat at the bar with Liara and was drinking something that she had described as the most sophisticated Asari cocktail ever. He wasn't sure what was in the glowing blue drink, but it packed a punch and he was struggling to keep a clear head while he waited for the Commander to show up. Liara had said that she was coming along, but she'd been missing from the ship when they left and despite having been at Purgatory for over an hour she still hadn't show up.

"Oh my goodness! You're Kaidan Alenko! The human spectre!" The high breathy exclamation came from a young looking Alliance soldier who had stumbled up next him, a pale purple drink in one hand. "I told _them_ ," and she waved at a large group of Alliance soldiers who were drinking at a table not far away, "that you _were_ Major Alenko, but they didn't believe me. But you are!" She giggled and dropped unsteadily onto the seat next to him leaning forward and smiling suggestively.

Kaidan stared at her blankly for a moment before looking helplessly over at Liara, who was watching the young soldier with amusement. He didn't want to encourage her, especially when she was so clearly inebriated, but he also didn't want to be rude and tell her to shove off; which was what he wanted to do. He opted instead for what he considered to be a nice neutral solution. He smiled and nodded at her and then downed his Asari cocktail in one gulp and turned back to Liara, trying to ignore the woman as she began chattering endlessly about her own goal of becoming a Spectre.

"Oh my goddess! That's Commander Shepard!" The young soldier grabbed Kaidan's arm in excitement and pointed at the VIP entrance, looking as though she was going to swoon.

Kaidan turned around so fast that his head swam and he almost fell off his seat; drinking the entire Asari cocktail in one go had clearly _not_ been the best idea in the world. Sure enough though when Kaidan followed the soldier's pointing hand he saw Shepard making her way into the club, looking unbelievably sexy in a short leather dress. He was off his seat and walking towards her, when he realised she wasn't alone and that Garrus was with her, dressed in civilian clothing looking a little tired but certainly much better than he had the last time Kaidan had seen him.

He tried not to wonder if Shepard had spent the day with Garrus at the hospital or if she had simply picked him up on her way here, but it was tough to keep his thoughts away from those topics when he'd spent the last few hours wondering where she was and waiting for her to show up. He refused to be jealous though, and instead focused on the way she'd held onto him back on board the Normandy, and to keep in mind that she had said she cared about him.

"Garrus, it's good to see you up and about." Kaidan knew he was walking a little unsteadily and that speaking was taking a little more concentration than it should have, but he was determined not to slur his words or look foolish. He reached out and shook Garrus' hand, noticing that the wound in his neck had a medical patch applied to it, covering up whatever they had done to repair it during the surgery. "I didn't think they were releasing you until tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that was the plan but they were a little short on beds with all the wounded pouring in. Compared to some of the injuries they're dealing with I'm a pretty easy case so I promised to take it easy and they discharged me." Garrus cocked his head slightly to the side as he regarded Kaidan. "I'm a little relieved to be out of that place early, I guess you know what it's like to be stuck in a hospital longer than you'd like to be."

"Oh yeah, I sure do." He nodded an affirmative.

Shepard lightly touched Kaidan's arm to get his attention. "I'll go get us some drinks if you want to find a table for us. It doesn't look like there is much room with the Normandy table." She tossed her head in the direction of the rest of the crew, who had at least a dozen of Alliance soldiers standing and drinking with them, most of them laughing uproariously at something someone had said.

Kaidan nodded and Shepard made her way over to the bar, hips swaying as she walked. He dragged his eyes off her and he and Garrus headed over to the only other free table on the lower level. He slid into the booth and wished that he wasn't quite so inebriated, somehow he felt at a disadvantage with Garrus facing him stone cold sober.

"Major, I've been wanting to speak with you about Shepard since you came back on board but I wasn't sure how exactly to broach the subject with you." The Turian looked slightly bashful for a second but then seemed to gather himself to spit out whatever was on his mind. "I'm not sure if you humans have a protocol for something like this but I didn't want to make things awkward."

_Oh god no. It was the talk. They were going to have the talk…_

"That's okay, Garrus you don't have to…"

"No, I think I do Kaidan." Garrus interrupted him quickly, looking slightly nervous again. "It's going to be easier to talk with you, well, drunk, especially since you're probably not going to like everything I have to say."

Kaidan felt his heart sink a little deeper; even drunk he didn't want to hear whatever Garrus had to say. Especially if the Turian thought he wasn't going to like it.

"First I wanted to assure you that Shepard and I are over as a couple. I'm not blind, I see how you look at her and I just thought you should know that we both agreed that we're much better off as friends than we were as lovers. I'm not, you know, chasing after Shepard or something like that. We're friends, good friends, but that's all." He took a deep breath and looked slightly annoyed at himself. "This is still awkward, isn't it?"

"Yes." Kaidan mumbled, wishing he had a drink to distract himself with. On one hand it was great to hear Garrus confirming that he and Shepard were really over and that there wasn't any lingering feelings there, but it was also unbelievably hard to listen to, drunk or not.

"Okay, that was the hard bit. Kind of. I don't know, the next part might be harder…"

"Just say it, Vakarian." Kaidan rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, wanting to be anywhere but here. Where was Shepard? How long did it take to get a round of drinks?

"Yeah, okay, well I wanted to talk to you about what happened to Shepard after Horizon." The Turian's bird like eyes focused on his own with an abrupt intensity that again made Kaidan wish he was either sober, or far more drunk. "What you said to Shepard on Horizon, well, it broke something in her. You acted like she'd been deceiving you and avoiding you, but I think you were the person she most desperately wanted to find after she woke up. She woke up in the Cerberus labs under a fairly intense situation and things went from bad to worse with the impending Collector attacks so she didn't have a lot of time to orientate herself with what was going on; her focus was on saving lives."

Everything Garrus was saying was exactly what Kaidan had spent the last few months thinking about and dreading hearing. He'd known, deep down, that Shepard wouldn't have walked away from him and faked her own death…but he'd been so suspicious of Cerberus that he'd jumped to conclusions.

"I don't think she realised exactly how much she'd lost in those two years until she met you on Horizon. We'd all been mourning her for years, but for her it had been a few weeks, and after Horizon, well, I think Shepard finally realised how alone she was – she didn't have many friends or familiar faces left around her except for Joker, Tali and I." Garrus paused again and then sighed. "I was in a bad place when Shepard found me; most of my friends were dead and I was facing death myself when she dropped in and saved my ass. I guess what I'm trying to say is that both of us were lonely, Kaidan. We'd lost the people we cared about and I think that Shepard and I only got together because both of us felt very alone in the Galaxy." He paused and looked Kaidan in the eyes again. "I do know that Shepard never really got over you. You hurt her on Horizon, but she still loves you."

"Thanks, Garrus." He said lamely, not knowing what else he could say that wouldn't betray that he was incredibly touched by the fact that the Turian had gone out of his way to explain what it was that had happened between himself and Shepard. He glanced over to the Commander, who had been served and was now making her way back over to the table with the drinks. He cursed his drunkenness as he tried to think of something, anything to say and lighten the mood at the table.

"Here we go, drinks all round." Shepard put a tray down on the table in front of them. It was laden with two glasses of some red fizzing drink that Kaidan recognised as Asari Fireballs; an Asari drink that had a reputation for getting humans instantly drunk. There was also some sort of Turian beer and several shots that Kaidan couldn't begin to recognise. She reached forward and picked up one of the Fireballs and then raised her glass at Garrus who had picked up the Turian beer. "Here's to you Garrus for saving my skin again!" Zillia took several long pulls from the Fireball and then put it down, making a face and clearly trying not to choke.

"Too much for you, Shepard?" Garrus mocked as he sipped his beer slowly, clearly egging her on as she hesitated before taking another long drink.

"No." She made another face but resolutely kept the drink in her hand. "It tastes great, and besides I need to drink a few of these to catch up to the Major here!"

Kaidan could only laugh as he picked up one of the shots and downed it, feeling as though a great weight had been lifted off him.

* * *

Shepard wasn't sure when Garrus had left, but it was sometime after she had sculled down a second Fireball and before she started doing shots with Kaidan, both of them watching each other of the rim of the shot glasses as they'd matched each other drink for drink. The fireballs had had the effect she'd been hoping for and the nervous tension she felt at drinking with Kaidan were nicely buried beneath a fuzzy layer of inebriation. In the back of her head she knew it was stupid to drink so much when she had to be on duty tomorrow, but another part of her rebelled against the sensible voice and reminded her that she hadn't had any time off to enjoy herself since this mess with the Reapers had started.

"C'mon Kaidan, let's dance." Shepard slammed down the last shot and got to her feet unsteadily, the alcohol finally dulling her inhibitions enough to loosen her up. She wanted to be close to him, and dancing was an easy way for her to touch him without having an excuse to do so.

Zillia didn't bother to see if Kaidan was following her as she stood up and made her way up the stairs to the dance floor, ridiculously proud that she didn't stumble once despite finding it very hard to focus on anything around her. The bright lights and the pumping music made her feel alive; she wanted to move to the music and to feel Kaidan moving with her. She joined the gyrating, pulsing crowd on the dance floor and for a moment thought that Kaidan hadn't followed her, then she felt his hands on her upper arms guiding her across the dance floor to a more secluded shadowed corner where there was more space. It felt like madness, abandoning herself to music to move in the shadows of the club with Kaidan, but it also felt so deliciously right.

Shepard pulled Kaidan closer to her as she moved, wanting to feel him under her hands again as she swayed and moved to the music. It felt perfect when they were together and she drifted even closer to him, feeling his breath tickling her neck as he pulled her close, his hands circling her waist and moving carefully over her hips as she moved, slowly drifting tantalisingly over her thighs and her butt, pulling her closer until she was lightly pressed against him and she could feel how hard and aroused he was through his pants. She smiled at how affected he was by her and ran her hands over his shoulders, arms and chest, lifting her face up to his for the inevitable meeting of their mouths.

The kiss, their first kiss in almost three years, was explosive and hungry; all tongue and teeth and clutching hands. Shepard felt her head spin and it was as though only Kaidan's hands held her up as he backed up against a wall in the shadowy corned of the dance floor and kissed her again, one of his hands behind her head and winding tightly into her hair as though he thought she might vanish. His mouth moved down her neck, kissing and nipping her skin lightly as she plastered herself to him, wanting to be closer still.

"Kaidan," Shepard breathed his name desperately, "let's get out of here." She wanted him badly; wanted to feel his skin on hers and his mouth moving on other parts of her body. She wanted to touch him, hold him and have him inside of her and she knew he felt the same.

"Yes." His whiskey coloured eyes met hers for the first time since they hit the dance floor, and the need in them was so deep that Shepard wanted him all the more. "Yes." He repeated again, breathlessly and hungrily.

They tore themselves away from the dance floor and fled the club hand in hand like guilty teenagers, not caring who saw them or what they thought. How they made it through the Citadel and back to the Normandy was a blur to Shepard, but once back on the Normandy and in her cabin they fell onto each other again; kissing, touching and holding each other; everything they'd denied each other over the last few years.

Clothes formed a frustrating barrier so they got rid of them, the skin on skin contact so much sweeter and satisfying. Kaidan picked her up, her legs wrapped around his waist as she kissed him again and again, knowing at the back of her head that she was hammered and she was probably going to regret this in the morning, but for now she wanted to do what she wanted to do. She didn't want to think or fear or regret. She just wanted Kaidan.

They fell together on the bed, still hungry and desperate for that ultimate fulfillment. Shepard traced her hands over his muscled chest and abs, then Kaidan pushed her back on the bed and she was content to close her eyes as Kaidan showered her with gentle kisses; her face, her neck, her breasts and her stomach and lower still. Her fingers clawed the sheets as his mouth found another place, lower, at the apex of her thighs and she cried out as his tongue swirled around that oh-so-sensitive spot. It was too much; she wanted him too badly for any kind of foreplay.

"Kaidan, please!" She tugged at his shoulders, her body trembling with need.

He returned to her quickly, his mouth finding hers as he pushed between her thighs and positioned himself at her entrance, pausing to pull back and stare into her golden eyes, which were bright with need. Shepard writhed under him, urging him on with small cries as she kissed his face and neck and ran her hands over his muscled back, and he laughed that rough male laugh that all men do when they know a woman wants them, then he kissed her again.

"Shepard, I love you." He murmured it against her lips as he thrust forward into her, his hands framing her face and pushing her hair back so he could watch her as he moved inside of her. Shepard could only moan as he began to make love to her, slow and controlled, riding the waves of her excitement with exquisite care. She felt herself melting around him; her legs entwined around his waist as the sweet warm pleasure started spreading in her tummy.

They had always been good together, but somehow this felt more intense. More real. It was like coming home after being away for years. His body against hers, so strong and hard, made her feel safe and protected. In this moment, she was his, body and soul. There was no holding back and no hiding; just feeling and emotion. Shepard cried out as Kaidan lowered his head slightly, the stubble on his chin grazing against the sensitive skin on her neck. It was as though every nerve ending in her body was on fire with delicious pleasure.

"Please, please, please." Shepard could hear her voice panting as she urged him on and he responded with the wonderful deep male chuckle that made things low in her body twist. He began to thrust into her harder and faster, knowing just what she wanted and how she liked it. The warmth began to spread through her body; from her toes to her nose, and it felt as though she was burning with need as the excitement built and built inside of her.

Finally, with a shuddering cry that was more animal than human she felt herself tip over that invisible edge inside of her; trembling and clinging to Kaidan as he answered her cry with one of his own, slamming into her as he came; both of them igniting in a fiery blue wave of dancing and rippling biotic energy as they lost control.

When it was over they clung together in silence for the better part of a minute while the blue energy faded away and their thundering hearts slowed, each unwilling to pull apart break the spell that they were under, until finally Kaidan rolled over to one side, keeping one arm tight about her and pulling her onto his chest. Shepard wasn't too drunk that she couldn't acknowledge to herself that she'd never had it that good, and judging from the grin on Kaidan's face as he looked down at her, neither had he.

Despite her earlier fears Shepard knew that she would never regret this night.

* * *

**A/N – Oh my! Amazing drunken sex? That Shepard is a shameless hussy! (And don't we all love her for it?) Reviews are muchly appreciated – especially if you want to give me feedback on my very first attempt at writing Shenko-love.**


	5. The Space In Between

_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect or any of the characters!_

**A/N – I've had a really sad and tough week, so apologies if this chapter was posted a little later than I intended. My kitty is dying and my husband and I have been spending as much time with him as we can, so I haven't had a lot of time to write. Thank you again to the people who reviewed this last chapter and for the people who are silently reading along and (hopefully) enjoying reading it!**

* * *

Kaidan woke up slowly and let himself adjust to the darkness in the cabin, it was strange not to wake up in the cramped and noisy crew quarters where there was always someone talking or working. The Commander's cabin was silent aside from the steady hum of power running through the ship. He looked up and realised that there was a transparent canopy over Zillia's bed; he could imagine her waking here with a velvety blanket of stars over his head instead of the dull view of the Citadel's docking ring. Although he had to admit that while the docking ring wasn't exactly the most inspiring view in the galaxy, it was reassuring to look out the window and know that life was going on out there.

Zillia was still sleeping next to him on the bed, her head pillowed on one of his arms while the rest of her was curled into a ball; at some stage in the night he'd stolen most of the blankets and she had been left with only a sheet wrapped around her. Looking down at her, with her red hair falling messily across her forehead and her face softened by sleep, Kaidan thought that this was probably the best view in the Galaxy. She was so beautiful and strong; it was hard to believe that someone as ordinary as him had been lucky enough love her.

He stretched next to her and carefully tried to remove his arm from under her head, but Shepard gave a slight jerk in her sleep and her face, that had been so peaceful, abruptly became fearful and she whimpered. Kaidan stilled and realised that she was having a bad dream – something that he had had plenty of himself since the Reapers had attacked.

"No." The word, clear as day, was filled with such fear that Kaidan felt chills go down his spine. Shepard twitched again, this time her entire body seeming to move as he eyes flickered rapidly behind her eyes. "Not like _this_ …"

* * *

She was falling through space, tumbling with such velocity that she knew she would never be able to stop herself. Her view, as she spun helplessly, was of the Normandy breaking apart, of terrifying black space, of a dark planet looming into view and then of the Normandy again. The same horrific images came spinning into view over and over and over with only her hammering hard and the ragged sounds of her breathing to keep her company. Then she head the hiss and saw the faint white vapor in front of her visor and realised that her suit was leaking air; depressurising slowly but surely.

"No!" She tried desperately to find the leak; struggling and kicking as she frantically tried to find the the holes and plug them. She was panting with exertion but it was useless and slowly, her head spinning from lack of oxygen she felt the coldness of space beginning to leak into her suit. The fear was overwhelming and Shepard knew she crying as she struggled uselessly to save her life. The planet loomed closer and parts of the Normandy were streaming through the air around her, she knew she was going to scream, knew that it would do her no good and would probably kill her faster _…but she didn't want to die like this…not like this...  
_

"Shepard!"

A gentle hand was suddenly on her shoulder and for a confusing moment the dream tried to keep going and she felt someone grabbing her suit, then the dream fractured apart and Shepard knew she was in her cabin and in her bed. She whimpered as she woke up and lay still for a moment, her head still filled with visions of Alchera looming towards her and of the Normandy scattered in space around her, before she let out a shaky breath and tried to calm herself down. It wasn't often that she dreamed about the original Normandy's destruction and her own death in space, but when she did it was always horrible. No, _horrible_ wasn't a strong enough word for it; the dream was always absolutely terrifying.

She'd never felt such fear before or since – not on Akuze, not on Ilos and not even when she'd woken up in the Cerberus labs; alone and confused. The mind-bending horror of realising she was going to die alone in space, and that she was helpless to save herself, had been all consuming. The new dreams of running through shadowy trees and chasing the ghostly boy were strange and off-putting, but they didn't have the horror of her death dream.

"Shepard, you were having a nightmare." Kaidan was there, his warm presence in the bed comforting as he scooted closer and held her to the reassuring solid wall of his chest while she slowly brought herself back to reality. "It's okay now."

She let herself rest in his arms for a time and then slowly pushed herself into a sitting position, aware that she'd been crying in her sleep and her cheeks were wet with tears. Embarrassed, she wiped them away and tried not to look like the nightmare had affected her as much as it had. She felt fragile and hated herself for it; she hated showing any sign of weakness but she especially hated crying.

_It had just been a dream!_

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kaidan carefully avoided touching her as she sat up. It was as though he could sense her self-conscious tension in the air and knew that if he gave her sympathy she might snap. He knew her well enough to know she never responded well to sympathy when she was embarrassed.

"I…I don't know." Shepard couldn't bring herself to look at him while she still had tears in her eyes. She'd never told anyone about the dreams; not even Miranda. They were far too personal and far too frightening for her to share them with her friends or her doctor, but maybe talking about them would help her distance herself from them…and of course Kaidan had been there. He knew what had happened to her.

"I dreamed I was dying again." She determinedly kept her eyes off Kaidan as she spoke. Focus instead on the models of the ships hanging in her cabin. "Over Alchera," She clarified when he didn't say anything, "When the first Normandy was destroyed."

"You...remember dying?" Kaidan sounded surprised and troubled at this revelation. She sensed him moving closer and it was only with a super human effort that she didn't pull away from his touch and let him gently put an arm around her, so she was resting in the crook of his arm.

"Oh, I remember." She nodded slowly and kept her voice emotionless as she talked. "The dream is always the same…I suppose because it's my memories rather than a _real_ dream. I get Joker into the escape pod and then get knocked out of the ship by an explosion. I'm tumbling through space and I can see the Normandy breaking apart around me, and I can see the planet below me getting closer. I know I'm going to die alone and there isn't anything I can do.'" Kaidan's arm tightened around her at these words. "And then I realise my suit's been damaged by the explosion that knocked me into space and its leaking air. I try to hold the breaks in the suit closed but it doesn't do any good; there is too many of them. My suit is depressurising as I start to hit the atmosphere of Alchera…I'm I'm so scared. I know I'm going to do and I'm fucking _terrified_ …"

Kaidan made a sound like a wounded animal and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him and burying his face in her hair as he tightened his grip on her until it was almost crushing. With a start Shepard realised he was crying as he held her close. "I'm so sorry Shepard. I'm so sorry I didn't stay and help you."

"It's not your fault, Kaidan. If you had stayed you would have died too." Zillia twisted slightly in Kaidan's hold so she could wrap her arms around him too, burrowing into the strength of his body and resting her head in the space between his neck and shoulder, breathing in his familiar smell.

"I didn't know." He sounded almost broken as he pulled back and looked at her with fresh despair on his face. "I didn't know you were _alive_ when you got knocked out of the ship. I didn't know you died out in space alone..."

Shepard could feel tears welling up again at the sight of his and at the sound of his pain, and determined not to give into them she leaned forward and kissed Kaidan. She kissed him deeply and passionately, wanting to drive the thought of her alone and cold in space from his mind. She was here now; alive and warm. Dwelling on the past was useless, especially when it contained memories that she didn't want to remember anymore.

When she drew away from him, she looked into his honey brown eyes and gently bumped her forehead against his. "I'm okay now. I try not to think about what happened and I focus on the fact that I came back from that."

"Yeah, but…"

"No buts, Kaidan. If I think about what happened on the Normandy that day I'll go mad." She kissed him again, and let herself rest against his chest. It felt so right having him here again; he was so strong and familiar. Last night had been amazing; they'd made love three times throughout the night. Twice before they'd fallen asleep together and then once more in the middle of the night, when Shepard had been woken by Kaidan's hands and mouth moving over her body; and she'd responded almost without waking up properly; they'd made love slowly and sleepily.

Last night, she had been certain that she would regret her drunken actions, or that he would, and that the morning would be awkward and uncomfortable, but it felt right to have him here. Except of course that they still had to work out what they were to each other and decide where they wanted to go from here. For all she knew Kaidan didn't want to continue their relationship; one night might have been enough to remind him why he'd kept away from her for all those months when she'd been grounded on Earth…

_Yeah right! Kaidan's been in love with you since before Ilos…you know he still loves you._

"Kaidan?" Shepard drew in a deep breath and straightened herself to look at him, knowing that before they talked about the future, they had to straighten out a few things from the past. She met his eyes with all the strength and force of will she had. "We do need to talk about us, and I know you said you wanted to move on from it, but I need to talk about what happened on Horizon."

Kaidan froze and the expression on his face instantly sharpened, as though he was gearing up for a fight or preparing to hear bad news. "Shepard, I told you in the hospital that I was sorry. Our fight on Horizon was my fault…I said some horrible things to you. Things which I'll always regret saying."

"You did, but it's not just what you said that hurt me, Kaidan. You didn't even _listen_ to me." Zillia pushed her hair out of her eyes, unaware that they had filled with hurt as she remember Horizon. "You were the first person I thought about finding when I woke up…and when I finally found you, you were cruel to me. You acted like I was the bad guy, as though I had done something wrong and something bad."

"I know, I'm sorry…"

"No, please let me finish." Shepard took his hand as she interrupted him. "I'm not blaming you, okay? I just need to say this to you because all I thought about after Horizon, and after that stupid email you sent me, was how unfairly you treated me. I have to get this out or I don't know if I'll be able to move on, so just let me finish." When Kaidan nodded, his eyes troubled, Shepard drew in another deep breath and continued, "I know that you spent two years without me, but when I woke up it was as though the accident, my death, had only happened the day before. Everything was new to me – including coming to terms with the fact that everyone thought I was dead and everyone had moved on. When I saw you on Horizon if was as though we'd only been apart for a few weeks, not years."

She looked away from him and squeezed his hand gently. "I _hated_ you for you said on Horizon. I hated you because you broke my heart. I tried to get over the hurt and the pain but every time I tried I would remember the way you looked at me and the way you spoke to me…and…I have to know that you won't hurt me again."

"I'm sorry." This time Kaidan interrupted her, his voice gentle and he took her hand. "I regretted everything I said to you as soon as I walked away. I tried to apologise in the email but I was still trying to justify my actions, and I know I came across as being a defensive asshole in it. I'd take back everything if I could, you have to know that." He tilted her head up, forcing her to meet his eyes. "I love you Shepard. I've loved you since I first met you and I've never stopped. All I've wanted to do since I came back on board was make things right between us."

_He loved her._

Shepard's mind had frozen over those words. Yes, he'd said them last night when they'd been making love, but hearing them in the cold hard light of day made it more real. It was as though a big knot of tension was slowly unraveling inside of her and all the pain and hurt was uncoiling and falling away.

"I wanted you so much last night." He rubbed the back of his neck, a gesture which Shepard knew meant he was feeling uncomfortable and awkward. "At Purgatory all I could think about was how beautiful you were and how I had ruined everything between us, but then you asked me to dance with you and…the way you moved against me, the way you looked at me, it was then that I knew you felt the same way." His eyes were hot when they flicked up to her face, "I know you were drunk last night, and so was I, but I know I didn't imagine the connection between us. Last night was amazing and I don't want to put any pressure on you…but you have to know that I love you. You have to know that I want to be with you as often as I can."

"I want to be with you too." Shepard admitted with a smile as she kissed him, pushing him back onto the bed and then cuddling up to him again.

It was adorable the way he wore his heart on his sleeve. She had always found it so much harder to express her emotions so honestly; it was one of the reasons why she hated crying and one of the reasons why she had never been the first person in a relationship to say 'I love you'. She gently rubbed her face against his, enjoying the oddly intimate feel of his stubble against her smoother cheek. She had missed so much about him: the way he tasted of peppermint, the sexy cologne he wore and the way he always knew how to hold her just right. There was something about being wrapped in his arms – the feel, the taste and the smell – that drove every thought out of her head. He made her feel so peaceful.

"I could stay like this forever." She murmured to him, and Kaidan tightened his grip around her as one hand slowly began to trace down her body. She shifted her weight restlessly, pressing closer to him when, on the bedside table, her alarm starting going off: warning her that she had to report for duty soon. Shepard groaned and pulled away slightly as the alarm disrupted her peace and Kaidan laughed in an amused but frustrated way as he turned it off and then sat up.

"I wish we could stay here all day too, but duty calls." He prodded her gently in the side until she sighed and rose up onto her elbows, glaring at the alarm for disturbing what would have been a very pleasant interlude.

"Duty always calls." She complained and reluctantly sat up and stretched, giving Kaidan another silly smile. "I'm really glad we cleared the air."

"Me too." His eyes were the colour of warm toffee as he tussled her hair and then dodged out of reach when she tried playfully to slap his hand away. "Careful Commander," He grinned at her, "You might start something you can't finish."

"Oh, I'd finish it Alenko." She purred at him as she slid out of the bed and strutted past him towards the bathroom, aware that she looked good in her bare skin and not above flaunting it. "I'm taking the shower first, although if you want to join me…feel free." She disappeared inside with the sound of Kaidan's masculine chuckle echoing in her ears.

He followed her into the bathroom but to her disappointment he only leaned against the door and watched her. "If I join you Shepard, we're not going to make it downstairs in time. That would give Vega even more to gossip about."

"Oh no…" Shepard winced at the thought of Vega gossiping about them as she stepped under the water and began soaping her skin and hair. "Vega always was a dreadful gossip on Earth, it was useful at the time, but...do you think he actually saw us leave last night?"

"Yes." Kaidan grinned at her dismay. "He and Liara were both still at the bar when we left and I'm pretty sure they watched us go. Somehow though, I doubt they're going to be reporting us for fraternisation."

"I don't think anyone is worrying about soldiers hooking up now that the Reapers are attacking." Shepard muttered, half to herself, as she finished washing her hair and stepped out of the shower, pausing to kiss Kaidan as she wrapped a towel around herself. "I'm going to get dressed and head downstairs while you shower. I'll catch up with you later, but I just wanted to say that last night was amazing." She kissed him again, harder, and felt his arms begin to circle around her. " _You_ were amazing."

Kaidan chuckled and pulled back, giving her a gentle shove out the door. "Get out of here Shepard or neither one of us is going to make it downstairs in time. Oh, and Commander?"

"Yeah, Kaidan?" She paused outside the shower, watching with a small smirk as he vanished into the shower, his voice drifting after her.

"Next time we're on the Citadel let's go out on a proper date, okay? Wine, flowers and good food; let me show you that I can be a gentleman."

"A date? That sounds perfect." Shepard closed the bathroom door behind her and quickly dressed in her battle uniform.

It was amazing that one night could change so much, but suddenly things didn't look so dark. For the first time in weeks she felt the first flicker of hope that maybe there was a chance for the rest of the universe. If the Krogans and the Turians could put their differences aside, and she and Kaidan could make up, then surely there was a possibility of the rest of the Galaxy uniting in the fight against the Reapers? If nothing else, for the first time in months she wasn't facing the future alone. Last night, somewhere in between her first drink and her last dance, she'd found what was missing in her life.

With a small smile Shepard finished dressing and left her quarters, closing the door behind her and heading back downstairs where the rest of the galaxy was waiting.

_The End_

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**A/N – There we go: my first ME fanfic! I've had a lot of fun writing it and I think I'm probably going to dabble in a few more fics over the next few weeks and months. Probably a few one shots since I'll be back at horrid work and dreadfully busy! Anyhow, let me know if you liked this via a review or a message! Thank you very much to the people who have been friendly and supportive while I wrote this fic – I've appreciated your feedback and comments.**


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